Yogafly2

empty prophets

oh what a circus, oh what a show, argentina has gone to town, over the death of an actress called eva peron. words from evita, the musical. I thought I had musicals running through this noggin all day until I met Peter Papazoglou. The man has musicals, running through him like Niagara Falls. there are too many proselytizers, would be gurus, wannabe enlightened beings out there pretending to have some sort of secret that you, mere mortal, do not have. I actually feel that the reason I go back to Ananda Ashram again and again and again is because all the teachers are so REAL. totally human and totally cosmic. No one pretending to be enlightened. all humble all ego everything lived out wide in the open. it's Guruji, you know. He's such a lion. even without a body, you can feel a smackdown when you act or feel like you're superior to someone else because of your spiritual attainments. It's like a roar - and what do you think this is coming from? and then boom - love and bliss - must prevail. My father, I called my dad, Mr. Lanuza, my real dad - not the "tvam eva pita" - the other day because I've had tendencies to wake up on the temper tantrum side of the bed - since childhood. which is why morning practice is so important. and I said dad, please help make me feel better. and he said "what are you feeling?" and I said, anger. And he said, "well, anger only hurts you." and then began to speak to me of love and Christ, prayer and silence. and I began to cry and he kept talking and I then moved to laughter. How blessed am I to have a father like this! May all beings have such great parents in one lifetime or another. what happens is that you do this for yourself...in practice, we are our own greatest fathers and mothers. God always intervenes when we relax enough and release enough. especially supremely active folks like myself. and my father does not see himself as a guru, spiritual teacher, anything! perhaps too humble he is. and I get to see all these people throwing themselves at me like God's next answer to all my problems. Who said I had problems? only the unenlightened only see the problems. that they need to "fix" if you spend enough money and time with them. Don't worry if I send people your way, you don't count in this tempest I'm having against false prophets. and I love you anyway. can't help it, I love everyone.

gonna be a bright sunshiny day

we were singing this today at the ad agency. i can see clearly now the rain is gone. so funny. and i thought about how I seem to misspell my name Kristina - all the time. because I type it fast and I get teased for it. I just realized it's misspelled on the mudita web site yet again. I thought I fixed that. my html coding needs some help...thank goddess for devi mahatmyam. Om namas chandikaye svaha. oh so many beautiful mantras to sleep on. Thank Guruji for this. I must blog about why Sanskrit is so important. Laughter. always and heavenly embrace for sumukhi la la.

the switcheroo

mc switcheroo. code words. we speak in code in the tech world and we're so wrapped up in it that we have to tell people what we mean when we say olm and idf and ipip, etcetera. asmo. it's nice. You know I realize it's why we have so many dialects in the Philippines - so we can hold secrets. My mother speaks bikol for instance and the only words I understand are - magkaun nay ka. or something like this. It means "it's time for you to eat. Or 'go eat." Manna to mine ears and bottomless pit of a belly. roar. roar. roar. Eat and feed this woman who seems to only be getting thinner? I don't comprehend. Non avere paura. Tutto andra bene. I got this lesson that my greatest hindrance to enlightenment is desire. "yoga is the state where you are missing nothing." this weekend I dissolved into pure utter beingness and danced with Krishna, as a gopi for a while. and then boom back to sukha dukha. Joan Suval suggested that I don't remember all my lifetimes with Guruji - but she knows we have been together. I know this too. and that there are 2 things in this strong mind that stand as blocks to enlightenment. science and art. I was a bit upset when I reincarnated and couldn't find any trace of Guruji for 23 years!!!!! Finally, a sigh of relief 12 years ago. I can remember it - a chant sheet with saha navavatu and Guruji's translation from ananda ashram passed out by amy i. at crunch yoga monday night. I cherised that piece of paper. But Joan is right on about my desire when it comes to music. she suggested that science seems to be passing. But I do feel that the music desire is also... This desire is dying. and now I can really enjoy making music because I am no longer the creator. It's really so divinely untethering. Now if I can just release desire about everything else and just be. Of course there will always be practical desire. but santosha. santosha. ishvara pranidhana. santosha. muy bien. si. gracias a la vida.

will you be in meditation?

what a great question to ask someone. I will see you after meds, I like to say at the Ashram. I need my meds. Up at 3 am with pranayama this morning. One never knows quite what the practice brings each day. But I do aim for regularity when people ask me about my practice. But I approximate what happens and then spontanaety - ooh I don't know how to spell this word - erupts.

deathlessness

in a song I wrote...called "who am I?" it says..."who am I? Not this girl you see. who am I? not this mind thinking 'me.'" Neti neti. the song goes in english. and then something else answers... "aham Brahmasmi" in english. "I am ageless. deathless. timeless. open." I've died a million deaths. beauty oh bury me. oh dance with me. Om shiva ji. so why does death still hurt so badly? all the transitions like heaviness. Yet there's bliss and nadam. The ego is being vomited out by the heart right now - the non-necessary ego. there is a necessary one. Satsang with Joan Suval yesterday left this one in a puddle of tears - so filled with love I could hardly bare it.

I have a heart on

16 different flavors of bliss

We've got the flavor.  Nothing can quite explain the sublime.  And surrender is such that the sublime happens like a snap of the fingers and then we are finished.

I didn't have time to sit for as long as I usually do for morning meditation.  So I had to meditate on the train on the way to work.

Was just reading "Sam I am" by Dr. Seuss to my beloved friend Sadie Rose.  And her mother and I talked about sadhana and how I am forced by life's outer karmas to meditate on a bus, on a train, in a plane, at the office, on the subway, in a conference room, etcetera.  And it became one of those, "I do not like it on a train.  I do not like it on a plane.  I do not like it on a bus.  I do not eat green eggs and ham.  I do not like sadhana except when and where I want it, Sam I am."  Which is all a divine joke.

Because this morning - there it was - completely awake and totally asleep at the same time on the train with a passenger in front of me knocking at my knees and another to my right making room for my bags and this body.  Conversations about growing up Catholic in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn by 3 other folks around me.   Me in deep, refreshing meditation.  How 'bout them apples?  How 'bout that?  And this heart flowing with some sort of sweet nectar that enfolded me.  There was a point when I had to get off at Secaucus Junction and transfer trains and I seemed to say - Now can it just stay?  This.  What is this?  Who am I? 

"I do like green eggs and ham, thank you Sam I am."

deva-sadanam

My 2 Sons - Vairagya and Jnana

Sunday morning, I was dreaming of boys' names that I like and I couldn't think of any. No, I am not pregnant. Yet. Someday when it is time. Anyhow, none of the Biblical names seemed interesting and I started thinking up all the Islamic names I like and none were sticking. But it was a fun exercise. I don't know why I feel I'm going to have sons - or girls who rock the universe like their momma. and I went to Bharati's program in the evening and she tells the story of Bhakti and her two sons, Jnana and Vairagya (told by Guruji, read by Bharati). Jnana is wisdom and Vairagya is non-attachment. Ha ha! Guruji is GREAT! Look at the quadruple entendres in all this! Sumukhi, remember to have wisdom and non-attachment - hrid anandam - with your sons and daughters. Don't worry, the kids will have proper American names or at least universal monikers that the masses won't question. But in my heart, they will be Jnana and Vairagya.

ee cummings

"spring in nature is the same as spring in man" or mad woman for all that matter :-) The earth has turned a bit on its axis and today, it's palpable. I have to admire the sensitivities in this body mind rather than feel victimized by the seasons and the "goddam phenomenal world." Fascinating little mysteries unravelling. Everywhere - turn, I see how much the divine maya goes on and how God is asking me which side of the picture show do I really want to view it all from. Incredible what a few minutes of divinely blissful meditation and prayer can do for a woman. Suddenly everything is sublime and completely unimportant at the same time. Like who cares if I'm blissed? Even the ego doesn't care. Because she disappears or something like this. I'm at Secaucus Junction, funny how I have everything I need right at this moment waiting for the train to take me back to Hare Hare Hare Harriman train station. I even have a toothbrush. This makes me completely happy. I can't even begin to explain. Last night I dreamt I was swimming alone in a pool and I had to keep taking care of a little girl who needed help but wanted to be left alone. She and I are the same. Completely at one in her needs and yet wanting to be left alone. The human conundrum. The choice-no choice thing. It must be so, says Krishna to Arjuna and then says - "but do as you wish." As you wish. what a lovely little fable, these 3 words are.