Fusion and Differentiation in Relationships

from If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.d. which I bought at Ananda Ashram's gift shop.

This book is great for all of you Buddhas and yogis dating  out there :-)

"Fusion, the opposite of differentiation, is when we become enmeshed with someone.  They have a headache, we take the aspirin.  They're out of a job, we read the want ads.  In many families, fusion is mistaken for love.  If you don't get upset when I'm upset, you don't love me.  If you don't want sex when I want sex, you're rejecting me.  When we're fused, differences are seen as a threat because everything has to be either right or wrong.  So if we have two different opinions, one person is 'naturally' wrong.  This attitude inevitably leads to arguing and blaming.  That's why fusion gets in the way  of intimacy.  It does not allow for two different people with two different ways of thinking, perceiving, or handling situations.

We all started life being completely fused to our mothers.  Moving from fusion to differentiation is a developmental process that continues throughout our life.  In fact, the process of differentiation completely parallels our evolution on the spiritual journey.  Spirituality and differentiation are simply two frameworks for understanding the same concepts. "